DECEMBER 2007

Ciao bella crazy Scots guys, Lars back in Dubliner after trip to Modena for last game in Euro qualifying group. Lars multi grazzi for Italian chicas who party on down with Faeroes dudes. Whatsamatter Lars shuddupa you face you say cause crazy Scots guys not getting Swiss roll? Show me good loser and I show you a loser say Lars who is riding high on spirit in the sky after Faeroes score a goal against the world champions. Only spirit crazy Scots motherf@ckers interested in is vodka. Speaking of which, how is my old compadre Capitano Vodka?

Faeroes Italian job mucho enjoyable. Lars take stroll down memory Piazza to days of male modelling in Italy in 70s. Young Lars best looking guy in Faeroes them days with pick of tasty local chicas. Lars strike the pose big time in Europe after appearing in weekly Torshaven fishing paper with cool Icelandic jumper only wore as a bet. Many Italian chicas make Lars offer he not refuse in them thar days. Lars get big pizza the action.

Lars not known then as Lars but have model name of Fabio. Looking damn good for the boy from Torshaven till dude with long hair and big nose steal name and all the chicas from Lars. Bitterness suit Lars like a made to measure sheepskin jacket. That Fabio dude even get to appear on Roseanne. She one mighty foxy chica by the way as Lars mucho keeno on, how you say in Scotland, munters?

Thinking now, Lars need to revisit mail order wife site www.bigfatandrussian.com to check for messages. 2008 new year and new beginning casa Lars. Seasons greetings crazy Scots guys and as they say in Iceland, may you never be far away from a piece of buried shark.

AUGUST 2007: Lars has been back in touch following our glorious victory in June!

Regrets, I have few but then again too few to mention. Lars getting philosophical on your ass? No dang nab it, Lars in mellow Sinatra vibe. Boxed set of old Blue Eyes CDs turn up from folk singing chica Joan Baezwith a note "This says it all, Love JB". That hippy chick need some writing lessons as, first off, Lars think it from Jack Daniels but that's life. Comme ci, comme ca!

Lars have many regrets in the wee small hours. Regret numero uno putting CCTV in gents in Dubliner. The compadre who sick on hand dryer a few years ago get caught up close and Lars will pounce, nice and easy does it. Hand dryer safe but the footage on video disgusting. What you crazy Scots mother****ers get up to at home in your toilet? Talk about send inthe clowns? Still the Scots babe who gave, how Lars can put this delicately, a blow job to the two Faroes guys, she one hot chica welcome casa Lars anytime. She can fly me to the moon tout suite.

Lars make mucho dinero from crazy Scots guys drinking Guinness in Dubliner so thinking about trip to states. Maybe Chicago or New York. "New York, New York?" I hear you say? Sure no problemo. Lars also make video copies from CCTV and sell on Ebay. Ring a ding ding baby!

Game crap. Two easy goals for Scots dudes. Scotland go all the way? Eclipse nightclub a paradise city, won't you please take me home, night before and after game. That DJ, Jimmy Boyle, one mean spinner of discs. I thought that guy was a psycho killer, que'st que ce? Lars get down on it big time with many Scottish chicas but we were strangers in the night not dancing cheek to cheek. That superstar DJ one big dude. Harpoons sharpened big time if he go swimming in harbour.

Lars do Dubliner breakfast for Scots dudes. Special puffin egg omelette served easy side up. Lars get many compliments from, how you say, poonters in the bar on his cooking style. All I can say is I did it my way. Sleep warm and wrap your troubles in dreams crazy Scots guys.

Lars

MAY 2007: With Scotland fans heading back to Torshavn next month, Lars has been back in touch.

Well you can cry me a river, cry me a river, I cried a river over you. Dang right crazy Scots motherf*&%ers. Julie London chica spot on. You be crying a river on the 6th June once Faroes team kick ass in Fortress Toftir. Lars hear there no transport to Toftir as ferry not running. Scots guys, save yourself big matchday gridlock and just watch game in Dubliner. Lars now got only plasma screen TV in Torshavn. Dang that thing good for watching porn. Guy at Café Natur pissed off but it's a hog eat hog world, you get my drift.

Dubliner also build extension for new karaoke bar. Lars spend most nights getting good version of Steely Dan's Reeling in the Years. Lars like lyric, "I spend a lot of money and I spend a lot of time, the trip we made in Hollywood is etched upon my mind.” You guessed it crazy Scots guys? Lars still not over Joan Baez chica. The words, the memories come back to drown me in sorrow. Love is lost. But enough gloom doom. Lars is sunny side up and ready to rock with crazy Scots in June.

Faroes look for revenge like tartan army look for pussy. Except with more success. HAH! This time Faroes homeboy superstars make no mistake when 2-0 up, we go for jugular, damn right. No dang ferry to game so Lars not get jolly sea sing song post match Like after 1-1 draw with Captain Vodka and small ugly dude with four fingers. Lars need CB radio sorted for convoy to game, ten four good buddy. Lars try to hire minibus but all taken by crazy Scots guys. Who is this Scoot Kylie guy who take minibus meant for Lars? Words with him bigtime when he appear in Dubliner.

After match party in Dubliner for crazy Scots fans. Local boys go loop de loop after game, maybe local chicas too but Faroes women dang funny bunch. Lars still looking for one to grease his harpoon, they no love me long time. Special price on Puffin lager, only 10 of your Scottish pounds a pint. Ha, Lars joke on price, you choke on beer at that price. Hey, no Scottish bank notes now as mucho dinero in Dubliner till not for exchange after last visit. Why you no bring English notes?

Lars first on karaoke post match but no Steely Dan. Maybe keep C+W theme going from convoy, on the side and satisfied. Ok then, let’s bring it on Scots crazy dudes, clash of titans nothing to this battle. Blood to spill and tears flow like Icelandic waterfall. You whup our asses 6-0 in Glasgow but we back for more in June. Dang right. Adios muchachos.

Lars - May 2007

SEPTEMBER 2006: In the run up to Scotland v Faroe Islands in September 2006, Lars was back in touch.

Keir Hardie, The Krankies, Archie MacPherson, Muriel Gray, Colin Calderwood, Selena Scott, Rab C Nesbitt, Allan Wells, Don Connery, your boys will take one helluva beating. Ok crazy Scotch mother****ers? Lars getting ready for Faroese invasion of Scotland, 1 week a coming. Opening line rip off from Norwegian dude but no prizes for originality these days, I tell you straight.

Lars looking to party big time with crazy Scots guys. That politico dude Tommy Sheridan in the TA? Lars like to party mucho with TS. Lars vote for anyone who goes to country on cocaine, swingers and sex clubs ticket, he get Lars vote, dang sure.

Publicity overload for this guy in Torshaven. Lars getting good vibrations when he think of forming political party with manifesto of coke, sex party, more coke, champagne and more coke. Things definitely go better with coke in Faroes. Dang right, baby.

Things mighty quiet in the Dubliner these days. Karaoke machine broken by Japanese fishing fleet. They load Japanese software on machine, sing songs and bugger off. Nobody else in Faroes speak japanese so no dinero for Lars in pub sing song. Words to Robbie Williams look like Tokyo takeaway menu.

Speaking of grande honcho Robbie, no hotel rooms for Faroes fans in Glasgow as he sells out Hampden. Game not played at Hampden so Lars thinks SFA sells out fans, eh? You crazy Scots guys have national stadium but you no play football there? You sell it to English guy who has much success with the chicas but also drug problem.

Lars shooting the breeze with Florenz from Café Natur to find out pre match drinking for Glasgow. She say we drinking in the Barras bar. No way say Lars. Those mean dudes who get ass kicked in Arnhem then kick ass all over the world? Florenz call Lars crazy Faroes mother***er. Not paras she say but barras! Lars one happy compadre at that news.

So crazy Scots guys, you ready to say asta la vista baby to Euro 2008 at 16.50 on September 2, 2006. Damn sure team Faroes kick ass. Adios muchachos.

Here's graffitti from the gents in the Dubliner. It says it all:

Hagalaz thurisaz uruz Faroes
Faroes berkana
Atlantic inguz

Earlier in 2006, news of the draw with Scotland prompted our old friend Lars to send a postcard to London:

Hold that mustang down boy its Lars, broadcasting loud and clear to crazy Scots motherf#ckers. Hear how it is from your Faroes homeboy superstar.

You guys blessed you come back to the beautiful Faroes and you know what, we gonna whup your asses again, dang right muchachos!

Little bit of poetry from Lars to begin? I like, you like? So Scots guys, still rocking the rays over the Euro 2008 draw? When these crazy Ukrainian motherf#ckers gonna agree fixture list? Lars go ooh la la when he sees France name come out of hat. Lars have many a good crazy time in Paris but wait, game not in Paris due to some weird motherfucker game called rugby. Lars hear Scots nearly as bad at rugby as football. Ha Ha. Lars on wind up for crazy Scots guys but you be like Lars, hip to the beat and cool as a polar bear on an iceflow.

Wait a minute, lars get city confused with ex Lars chica Paris Hilton. That the Paris Lars have good time last time he was in. She one crazy motherf#cker, not as crazy as you Scots guys though. Lars hope she open nightclub in Torshaven for Lars to boogie on down.
Rich bitch laugh in Lars face. She want beautiful place for beautiful people. I tell her mucho beauty in the Faroes but she says she's not interested in Egypt!! Dag gone it, she thick as sh#t in a Delhi sewer.

So how many crazy Scots guys come to Dubliner this time? Lars get industrial strength hand dryer for gents. Cleaner want triple wages you leave mucho mess last time. Goddamm prices go up big time as Lars looks to cash in on Scots guys. Guinness hit £8 a pint time you come but hey, Lars in a good mood so there will be free puffin scratching with every round. Yee ha!

No problemo for tartan army to stay casa Lars. Lars bring back many hammocks from Mexico adventure so the more the funkier. So how many guys surfing down the pipe from Lochaber, Bathgate, Linwood or Methil? Those Preclaimer dudes pretty funky and tunes always playing on Lars Ipod.

No greasing of harpoon for Lars these days. Too dang old and you think Guinness expensive in the Faroes, check out price of Viagra!!! Lars financially screwed before he gets harpoon out!!

Asta la vista crazy Scots guys. Brewery delivery turned up and Lars must get barrels ready.
The Dubliner rocks!!!